I love my kids. I, for the most part, love taking care of my kids. I especially love writing down & repeating all the little things they do on a consistent basis that annoy the living piss out of me so hopefully when I start to lose my mind, the constant repetition will have these little quirks to ingrained in my head that I will be able to repeat them before they ship me off to the nursing home.
1) I will have a ‘lovey’ that must come everywhere. I must sleep with it every night. However, I will change what I want that lovey to be every.damn.day. and even several times a day. And which lovey I ask for at night will be whatever one I have stuffed in the furthest corners of the house so an epic search must go on before I can go to bed.
2) I will refuse to blow my nose, wipe my hands or face, & run away screaming at the top of my lungs when they approach me with a tissue or cloth. When they finally do succeed, I will announce loudly in a group of people that they, in fact, hit me in the face.
3) If I need help getting buckled into the car, I will scream loudly enough for everyone in the county to think I am getting violently murdered in the backseat.
4) And if I don’t want to be in the car for whatever reason, I will scream the whole bloody time the car is in motion. I will stop whenever the car is not moving to breathe hope into the driver, only to resume louder when we start again since I am not getting out.
5) On the weekends, I will make everyone in the house get up when I do, aiming for about 5:50am. On days where there is morning stuff to do, I will sleep past 9.
6) I will loudly and proudly announce whenever I have made a big, big, stinky poo-poo in my pants.
7) Unless my medication is bright pink and tastes like a tablespoon of cherry flavored sugar, I will spit it out. Bonus points if it is extra sticky and gets all over a just mopped floor.
8) I will hide bits of food and cups of milk in a variety of places until the stink from mold gives them away. Alternatively, I will partially chew or swish milk around in my mouth, then spit it on the floor for the dogs to eat, or I will take the carefully prepared, balanced, healthy meal and just chuck it on the floor and laugh.
9) I will find the most annoying TV show possible (maybe something along the line of Antiques Roadshow, American Pickers, or anything on the weather channel-isn’t that what the elderly like to watch?) and only sit still for meals if it is on, with the volume blasted, on repeat, so it plays in the head of my children as they are trying to fall asleep.
10) I WILL SHIT IN THE BATHTUB EVEN THOUGH I AM PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF USING THE TOILET AND JUST SAT ON IT FOR 10 MINUTES BEFORE I WENT IN THE TUB.
It will be glorious.